Writing for the Internet can be tough work, fortunately, like Hollywood movie directors, Internet writers use a very simple formula for all of their articles. Follow these simple rules and you will be a top internet writer in no time at all!
- Try to come across as douchbaggy, unintelligent and obnoxious as possible.
Trust me, retard, the only f***ing way anyone is going to respect you is if you verbally a**-r**e them. Don’t be a little pussy. See, didn’t that make you want to keep reading?
- Be comically prejudiced against everyone who isn’t you.
This works best if you are a white male from the United States. Tell bitches to get into the kitchen, negros to plow your fields and British to copulate their chipped tea cups.
- Never say anything new or different
Dare to be the same. Before writing anything, make sure it has been posted before at least several thousand times by your peers. Never write anything that could be interpreted as original, or otherwise differentiate you from everyone else writing on your same topic. Never display a view point contrary to what is expected of writers in your field.
Always write at any given time, what everyone else is writing at that given time. EX: if Microsoft announces a new operating system, write about how much it sucks; if Apple announces a new phone, write about how much hipsters suck; if a new cancer treatment is discovered, write about how boring that is and that nobody cares.
- Use all the right buzz words in all the right ways
Always use words like “nerd” and “geek” in a positive or humorous manner, and always attempt to label anyone with technical or scientific knowledge as belonging to one of these groups. Always reference women and sex/nudity together, triple points for combining everything, EX: “Renowned physics nerd Richard Feynman loves sexy nude women”.
- Only write about things you know nothing about
The last thing anyone wants to read is accurate information written by a knowledgeable person. The less you actually know about what you’re writing about, the better. One exception is that you may apply information you do know into areas it does not belong. For example, if you’re a philosopher and writing a science article, try to turn all scientific terms into philosophical concepts–make Entropy into a law stating all things must be destroyed, and say General Relativity illustrates the relativity of human morality. Say whatever you want–be creative, unless you’re naturally creative, then don’t be.
6. Don’t insult the wrong things
Do not speak negatively of things close to the internet’s heart. A few examples: memes, anarchy, straight or lesbian sexual activity, masturbation, straight or lesbian pornography, skinny white people, pictures of penises. Feel free to contact me for more examples.
7. Don’t write too much
Try and keep it under 200 words. Reading is boring and nobody does it for long. If you must go in-depth, just link to someone else. EG, if Miley Cyrus is acting really freaky lately, link to the seventeen page editorial at time magazine. a solid “lol” should surpass on your part.
8. Only publish list articles
Humans haven’t evolved enough to understand other forms of communication clearly.
9. Never have accurate titles
For example, this is a guide how not to write for the internet. Accuracy and honesty will get you no where. Be as manipulative and deceptive as possible. This will not come back to bite you as many internet readers enjoy bitter disappointment, as well as things to bitch about in the comments section.
10. Always publish your content in a half-finished state.
It should be neither complete, nor checked for spelling or grammar errors.