Writing for the Internet can be tough work, fortunately, like Hollywood movie directors, Internet writers use a very simple formula for all of their articles. Follow these simple rules and you will be a top internet writer in no time at all!
- Try to come across as douchbaggy, unintelligent and obnoxious as possible.
Trust me, retard, the only fucking way anyone is going to respect you is if you verbally ass-rape them. Don’t be a little pussy. See, didn’t that make you want to keep reading?
- Be comically prejudiced against everyone who isn’t you.
This works best if you are a white male from the United States. Tell bitches to get into the kitchen, negros to plow your fields (!!) and British to fuck their chipped tea cups.
- Never say anything new or different
Dare to be the same. Before writing anything, make sure it has been posted before at least several thousand times by your peers. Never write anything that could be interpreted as original, or otherwise differentiate you from everyone else writing on your same topic. Never display a view point contrary to what is expected of writers in your field.
Always write at any given time, what everyone else is writing at that given time. EX: if Microsoft announces a new operating system, write about how much it sucks; if Apple announces a new phone, write about how much hipsters suck; if a new cancer treatment is discovered, write about how boring that is and that nobody cares.
- Use all the right buzz words in all the right ways
Always use words like “nerd” and “geek” in a positive or humorous manner, and always attempt to label anyone with technical or scientific knowledge as belonging to one of these groups. Always reference women and sex/nudity together, triple points for combining everything, EX: “Renowned physics nerd Richard Feynman loves sexy nude women”.
- Only write about things you know nothing about
The last thing anyone wants to read is accurate information written by a knowledgeable person. The less you actually know about what you’re writing about, the better. One exception is that you may apply information you know into areas it does not belong. For example, if you’re a philosopher and writing a science article, try to turn all the scientific terms into philosophical concepts–make Entropy into a law stating all things must be destroyed, and say General Relativity illustrates the relativity of human morality.
Don’t insult the wrong things
Do not speak negatively of things close to the internet’s heart. A few examples: memes, anarchy, straight or lesbian sexual activity, masturbation, straight or lesbian pornography, being weird people, making fun of weird people.